Real help from real experts
This article was written in collaboration with our Domestic Abuse Advisor Team.
How to help a friend in an abusive relationship
It’s important to approach the topic of abuse within relationships carefully. Here are some tips to help you:
- Think about safety first: Don’t put yourself or your friend at risk. Start the conversation in a place that feels safe – perhaps at a local café or while on a walk.
- Let them guide you: Ask what feels safe for them. Respect their choices and let them set the pace of the conversation.
- Listen and validate: Let them know you believe them and that the abuse is not their fault.
- Avoid pressure: Don’t push them to leave or make decisions they’re not ready for.
- Stay connected: Even if they say no to invitations, keep in contact and remind them they’re always welcome.
- Safe word or phrase: If they’re open to it, agree a word or phrase they can use to let you know something isn't right, for example "I spilt my drink today".
- Offer practical support: Share clear, trusted information about where to get help. You could create a safety plan together, or help them contact our Helpline or a local domestic abuse service.
Helpful things to say:
- "You haven’t been in touch much lately. Is everything okay?"
- "I’ve noticed you seem a bit down. Has anyone upset you?"
- "I’m here for you, whenever you want to talk."
- "I believe you. This isn't your fault."
Even small acts of kindness - like checking in or listening - can help someone feel seen and supported.
Our friendly, knowledgeable Helpline practitioners are ready to help keep your friend and their children safe.
"Why won't they just leave?"
Seeing someone you love in an abusive relationship can be incredibly hard. It's natural to feel frustrated and wonder, "Why don't they just leave?". But leaving isn’t simple – and it’s often unsafe.
People experiencing domestic abuse face lots of barriers that stop them leaving. For example:
- Staying can feel safer than leaving. Being in the relationship can give them a sense of control over the situation. They may monitor their partner's behaviour to check if their behaviour is becoming more extreme, and use this information to try and manage the risk to themselves and their children.
- They've been threatened. Abusive partners often threaten to harm or kill their partner – or their children, family or pets – if they leave.
- They feel worthless. After months or years of coercive and controlling behaviour, they may feel worthless or unable to cope alone.
- They're scared to lose everything. Leaving might mean losing access to their children, home, job, money, or car.
- They still love their partner. Many people in abusive relationships hope things will change. If they talk about leaving, their partner might use love-bombing and promises to keep them from leaving.
You can't make someone leave an abusive partner. The decision to leave has to be made by the person you’re supporting. But your consistent, non-judgmental support can make a real difference in their journey to safety and healing.
Women are at the highest risk of being killed by a partner when they take steps to leave or shortly after they have left an abusive relationship.
FAQs
- Keep yourself safe. Abusive partners may threaten friends and family who challenge them.
- Never confront the abusive partner about their behaviour. This could endanger your friend or relative.
- If you have to talk to the abusive partner, keep the conversation neutral and do not talk about any private conversations you've had with the person you’re supporting.
- If you witness abuse, even physical abuse, do not intervene directly. Instead, contact the police by calling 999.
National Domestic Violence Helpline - 0808 2000 247
A 24 hour free helpline run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge.
Men's Advice Line - 0808 801 0327
Advice and support for men experiencing domestic violence and abuse.
National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline - 0800 999 5428
Emotional and practical support for LGBT+ people experiencing domestic abuse.
Domestic Abuse, Recovering Together (DART™)
A therapeutic service for mothers and children who have experienced domestic abuse.
Find out more about all our services for children, including how to get in touch with ones in your area.
Childline - We understand how difficult it is for children to talk about domestic abuse. Whether it's happening now or happened in the past, Childline can be contacted 24/7.
- Calls to 0800 1111 are free and confidential.
- Children can also contact Childline online.
- Chidline website, information and advice for children and young people about domestic abuse, including why it happens and what they can do.
If the person you’re supporting feels ready to leave the relationship, there’s lots to plan to help keep them safe.
You might want to think about:
- People it’s safe for them to talk to.
- Places it’s safe for them to visit or stay.
- Where they can keep money, documents, or other emergency items so they’re safe and easily accessible.
- Patterns and triggers of abuse they’ve noticed.
- Making a plan for when they or you will call the police.
- Discussing how to talk to their children about the plan, if there are children in the home.
- Safety planning and staying safe (PDF) from womensaidnel.org
- Making a safety plan - Childline
- Hollie Guard – Personal Safety App
