“It feels like the whole world is moving forwards and you’re missing out. You’re standing still and not able to be where you want to be or do what you used to do,” Mum of 2.
“It’s frustrating when you’re in a different place to your friends. Your life’s changed completely, and some friends are only interested in if you’ll hang out in the way you used to,” Dad of 1.
As a parent you can spend the whole day being climbed on by your little one but still feel like you’re on your own.
Or you have years of great chats with your child and all of a sudden, hormones hit, and they stop wanting to spend time with you. You might find your family going through something that others can’t relate to.
All of these things, as well as life events like a divorce or a house move, can leave you feeling lonely or isolated. While it’s important to think about how your children are handling challenges, how can you make sure you’re also getting the support you need?
Five things to consider if you're feeling lonely
1) Be curious about your negative feelings
It might feel like you don’t have the time to feel down but pushing negative feelings away and pretending they’re not affecting you won’t help in the long term.
Rather than rejecting what you’re feeling, try to be curious about it. When do things feel better or worse? Do you know anyone who’s gone through something similar? When you’ve felt like this in the past, what have you found useful?
2) Think about things you enjoy
Your hobbies and interests matter. What did you do for fun when you were younger? Is there a way you can incorporate that into your life now?
Maybe you loved singing but don’t have the time to be in a choir. You can still blast your favourite radio station and have a kitchen sing-along. Try to do something every day that makes you feel good, however small it is.
3) Try new things
If old hobbies and interests don’t feel right, maybe you can try something new.
That might be as simple as listening to a new podcast you’ve heard is good or trying out a new recipe. If you can’t find the time for a coffee date with a friend, you could try going with them on their weekly shop. You might also want to try using meetup.com or the Peanut app to help you meet new people.
“It's easy to forget how much we may grow and change when we become parents and carers. Friendships may not be exactly the same as they were before and forcing it can (in my experience) leave you feeling quite lonely!" Mum of 1
4) Find your community
Your community might change when you become a parent. You may feel you need to strengthen your relationship with family, current friends or ones you haven’t seen in a while. Or you might realise you need to build a new community because something your family’s experiencing is making you feel lonely.
So that she could best support her transgender daughter, one mum decided to connect with other parents going through similar experiences:
“I took steps to educate and get support for myself as well as for her, to understand her situation. At first this looked like joining Facebook groups with that focus and watching videos on YouTube.
"Eventually I reached out to local organisations and national groups. I feel now in a much better position to address loneliness when it occurs – I can reach out to the appropriate group and get advice or even just words of encouragement.” Mum of 2.
5) You’re allowed to say it’s hard
It’s important to remind yourself that you don’t need to have everything figured out, all of the time. Acknowledge that things can feel hard, especially as a parent, and show self-compassion while you work through trickier feelings.
There are all sorts of experiences that can lead to feelings of loneliness
Change is inevitable when you’re raising children, but moments of significant change can lead to feelings of loneliness – for example:
Pregnancy
It’s completely normal to feel lonely during pregnancy. For many different reasons, your experience of being pregnant may be different to your friends’ or the people around you. Or you may not know other parents who have gone through this. There are so many changes to your body and to your lifestyle, and this can often feel isolating.
Being a new parent
It’s normal to feel lonely as you adapt to parenting, especially in the first few months when you’re spending a lot of time one-to-one with your baby at home. You might miss your old life, routine, work or other activities you did before you became a parent. There may have been a change in your relationship and you’re unexpectedly a single parent.
For parents that do return to work, it might also feel like your teammates don’t understand your experiences and this can be hard. Be patient with yourself and other people as you learn to navigate your new reality.
If your lonely feelings turn into sadness that won’t shift, get support by speaking to your healthcare visitor or GP. And our page on mental health and parenting has more advice as well as links to support organisations.
When your child starts nursery or school
Just when you’re used to juggling your life with a little one, things change again quickly and they’re off to nursery or school. It feels different for everybody, but if having more time by yourself brings up feelings of loneliness, that’s very normal.
Maybe this can be a time when you plan some simple activities for yourself. It might be drinking a whole cup of tea before it gets cold.
There are probably lots of other parents at school or nursery who are also going through the same feelings, whether for the first, second or third time – and this can also be a good time to meet new people.
If your child starts spending part of the week with a co-parent
If you’re separated from your co-parent, you might find that there are chunks of time when you are busy parenting solo, and other times when you are by yourself and missing your little one.
It’s understandable to feel lonely and for it to take time for these arrangements to feel normal. Remember that all families look and work differently. But connecting with other parents who are separated from their co-parent and going through something similar can be really valuable.
We have dedicated advice on rights and responsibilities for parents going through a separation which you may find helpful.
Need support?
Contact the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000, or email help@nspcc.org.uk.
Feeling different to other parents
There are a whole range of circumstances that can make you feel lonely as a parent.
Your life or family set-up could be different, or suddenly change and you can’t relate to the families who surround you. It might feel like there’s judgement around how you’re parenting, or you’re stressed about your differences and feeling isolated.
“My child got excluded from parties because they weren't enough of a girl to go to girls' parties, or enough of a boy to go to boys' parties 'where they might get hurt'. All of this did make me feel isolated. Alone like I'd veered off into a new area of parenting and there was no one there with me.” Mum of 3
It can be tricky if you feel other families aren’t the same as yours. It can be really helpful to actively seek out others you can relate to. Being open to meeting new people whether that’s on social media or via a local community group is a great first step.
It might take several goes until you find the community you need, but over time you’ll be able to find them.
“I have a 17-month-old and at times have really had to challenge myself out of my comfort zone. Two bits of advice I would give (and that I have given to myself) are... 1) It doesn't matter if your home isn't tidy or big or Instagram ready, invite people over anyway. And 2) Be the organiser. If you want to see people, be proactive and arrange the meetup, be the person who books the table/venue/date etc. People are usually so grateful when someone takes care of logistics.” Mum of 1
Three things to remember about loneliness
1) It's normal to feel lonely
Being a parent has an impact on our mental, social and physical lives and, as our children grow, the experience of being a parent is always changing.
While it can be incredibly fulfilling, it’s very normal to feel lonely as you navigate all of these changes and different phases.
Be kind to yourself and try not to judge yourself harshly for feeling lonely. Expressing negative emotions can feel shameful but you’re a human going through a major life transition. It’s totally understandable that it might feel lonely. It doesn’t have to remain that way though.
2) Support is out there
For you, support might look like sharing how you’re feeling with a family member or friend you trust and putting in regular time to chat to them and stay connected. It might also mean joining an online community group or finding a new, fun activity you can get involved in.
If you feel like you need more specific help with persistent loneliness, there are also lots of supportive organisations you can connect with listed below.
3) You’re unique
Things that have worked for a friend of yours experiencing loneliness may not work for you. Even something that helped you in the past might change as your life changes. Remember, different things work for different people at different times.
Take your time in working out what you want and need and be kind to yourself whilst you figure this out.
Organisations and resources to help you
Gingerbread is a charity for single parent families. They run a free and confidential webchat and helpline.
Mind is a mental health charity providing information and support by phone and email.
The NHS can provide support:
- Early on in your parenting experience you can speak to your midwife and healthcare worker.
- You can speak to your GP at any time.
- They are likely to be aware of community groups that can help you if you’re feeling lonely.
You can use befriending.co.uk to help you find a network of befrienders to help you.
Meetup.com can help you find face-to-face groups and activities with others who share your interests.
Peanut app is a way to connect with Mum’s at every stage of the parenting experience. A great way to meet new people if you’re on maternity leave or you’ve moved areas.
Parkrun organise 5km runs (and 2km junior park runs) across the UK. It can be a great way to meet people in your local area.
Online platform Happity can help you find baby and toddler classes in your local area.
More advice and support for you
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Illustration credits
This page: Harriet Drewe
'More advice and support' row: See individual pages for credits