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Preparing to talk about domestic abuse
How and when you approach the conversation is just as important as what you say. Here are some tips to help you prepare:
1. Find the right time and a safe place
- Choose a time when your child feels comfortable - perhaps when you’re doing a quiet activity together, like drawing or playing with toys.
- Talking while you’re side-by-side (like in the car on the way to school or a club) can feel less intense and more natural.
- Silence your phone, make sure you’re not expecting visitors, and set aside enough time so you won’t feel rushed.
2. Consider your child's age and needs
- Think about your child’s age and stage of development. If you have children of different ages, you might want to talk to them separately.
- Your child may prefer several short chats instead of one big talk. Give them time to process and come back with questions.
- If your child isn’t ready to talk, that’s okay. Let them know you’re there whenever they want to share.
3. Make the first move
- They might not feel safe to open up unless you start the conversation and reassure them it’s okay to share their feelings.
- Create space for honesty. Let your child know it’s safe to talk, and that you’re ready to listen whenever they are.
4. Prepare for how they might react
- They may minimise what’s happened. Your child might say it wasn’t a big deal, or blame it on family stress, alcohol, or other reasons.
- They might blame themselves. Some children feel responsible for what’s happened at home.
- They may have been told you’re to blame. If someone else has influenced their view, they might repeat things they’ve heard.
- Whatever your child says or feels, try to stay calm and supportive. Let them know you’re there for them, and that it’s always okay to talk.
You don’t need to have all the answers - just being there and showing you care makes a big difference.
What to say
1. Keep your message clear and reassuring
- The most important thing you can say is, "This is not your fault."
- Remind your child that you love them and that your priority is to keep them safe.
2. Find out what they know
- Ask open questions: For example, "How have things felt at home lately?" or "What have you noticed when people argue?"
- Children might not use terms like domestic abuse - they may talk about arguments, shouting, or someone getting hurt.
3. Support their feelings
- Make space for all emotions.Let your child know it’s okay to feel angry, sad, upset, confused, or even relieved.
- It’s normal for children to have loving feelings for the abusive parent, even if things have been difficult. Let them share whatever they feel, without judgment.
- Show you understand by reflecting back what they say and validating their feelings.
4. Keep the conversation going
- Let them know they can talk to you anytime, not just now.
- Ask if there’s someone else they’d feel comfortable talking to, like a teacher or family friend.
- Encourage them to express their feelings in other ways, such as art or writing a diary.
What else can you do?
Continue to set your boundaries and rules - Structure and routine are important for children to feel safe. Try to keep a routine and be consistent with rules.
Speak to anyone who can help - Talk to your child’s school, GP, or sports coach. You could even consider a counsellor or play therapy.
Avoid speaking negatively about the other adult - It can stop your child from feeling safe to speak openly with you. Instead, focus on the unwanted behaviour and let them know abuse is never OK.
Take care of yourself - Remember to make some time for yourself so that you are in the best place to support your child.
Help and support
Domestic Abuse, Recovering Together (DART™)
- DART is a therapeutic service for mothers and children who have experienced domestic abuse.
- Email DARTenquiries@nspcc.org.uk to check if the service is delivered in your area.
Childline
- Confidential support for children and young adults available online 24/7 or by calling 0800 1111 for free.
- Childline has advice about domestic abuse, including why it happens and what they can do.
