Talking to children about domestic abuse
18% of 11–17-year-olds in the UK have been exposed to domestic abuse.
Preparing to talk about domestic abuse
When, how, and where you talk about domestic abuse can be just as important as what you say. Take some time before the conversation to prepare.
Find the right time and place
- The right time to talk about domestic abuse is when your child feels relaxed and safe. Think about when they're likely to feel this way. For some teenagers, being a passenger in a car while you're picking them up from school or clubs can create a safe space and can feel less intrusive.
- You might find that you have better conversations when you’re outside of the home, for example going for a walk to the park.
- Sometimes when a child is focused on another activity, like drawing or doing a jigsaw, it makes it easier for them to talk about their worries and fears.
- Choose a time when it's just you to give them the best chance of opening up.
- Avoid distractions and give them your full attention. Make sure that your phone is on silent, you are not expecting visitors, and you have enough time set aside.
Tailor it to the child
- Your child might prefer to have small bite-sized conversations. This allows them to think about what you're saying, process it, and come back with more questions.
- If you have children of different ages, decide whether you speak to them together or separately. Offer the opportunity to check in with each child regardless of their age.
Make the first move
- Some children may have learnt to avoid speaking out or having an opinion in case it escalated the abuse. They might not want to speak to you about their feelings, unless you make the time to talk to them first.
Talking about domestic abuse
Whenever you decide to talk to a child about domestic abuse keep the message clear, reassure them it's not their fault and let them know you're there for them whenever they need you.
Start with what they know
- Children are likely to have noticed things. Even if adults have tried their hardest to shield children from witnessing incidents of abuse, children can notice small changes in mood and atmosphere.
- Explore what they understand is happening. You might find that they know and understand more than you think. Make sure to use their language. They may not refer to domestic abuse, but may talk about arguments, shouting, and hurting.
Allow space for feelings and processing them
- Ask questions that have more than a yes or no reply. This will give the child a chance to open up about what they think. For example, "this must feel like a strange time for you, do you understand what is happening?"
- Ask about how they’re feeling and try to really listen and understand. Let them know it is OK to feel angry, sad, upset, or even relieved. Let them share whatever feelings they have for the abusive parent, even if that is that they still love them.
- Make sure to tell them they can talk to you or offer other suggestions of people they can talk to. This could be a family member, a teacher, or Childline.
- Keep talking about the concept of safety, self-care, and boundaries.
- Try to talk about the subject often and not just after an incident or situation has happened.
- Remember that it’s also OK if they don't want to talk. Offer the option to communicate in other ways, such as a diary or art.
Don’t talk negatively about the abusive adult.
- Talking negatively about the abusive adult can stop the child being open and speaking freely. Keep the focus on the unwanted behaviour and away from the abusive parent. Let the child know abusive behaviour is never acceptable. For example, "it's never OK to hit someone or call them names."
How might my child react?
- Your child may not be ready to have the conversation straight away — that is OK. Give them time. Today might just not be the right day.
- Your child may try to minimise the abuse or link it to family stress, drug, or alcohol use.
- They might blame themselves.
- They might be gaslit by the abusive parent into blaming the non-abusive parent.
What can I say to reassure them?
- "It’s not your fault."
- "Things have been a little difficult at home, do you understand what is happening?"
- "It’s OK to feel angry about what is happening."
- Keep the message clear.
- Let them know you love them and want to keep them safe.
What else can I do?
Continue to set your boundaries and rules.
- If an adult leaves an abusive relationship they may carry a sense of guilt, and this can sometimes make them more lenient or let the child get away with something they ordinarily wouldn’t have. Structure and routine are key for children to feel safe. Try to keep a routine as best you can and be consistent. If you didn’t allow them to use their phone after 9pm, continue to do this after leaving the relationship.
Speak to anyone who can help.
- Consider talking to your child’s school, nursery, GP, or sports coach. You could even consider a counsellor or play therapy.
- It is OK to reach out to others for help — this is no judgment on you as a parent. We all need help at certain times of our child’s life, and navigating domestic abuse is no different.
Take care of yourself.
- Do not forget that you are important too. Prioritise some time for yourself so that you are in the best place to support your child.
You may also want to use these resources for your child
Domestic Abuse, Recovering Together (DART™)
A therapeutic service for mothers and children who have experienced domestic abuse.
Find out more about all our services for children, including how to get in touch with ones in your area.
Childline
Childline can be contacted 24/7. Calls to 0800 1111 are free and confidential. Children can also contact Childline online.
Childline has information and advice for children and young people about domestic abuse, including why it happens and what they can do.
The Hide Out
Created by Women's Aid, The Hide Out is a space to help children and young people understand abuse. It also helps them learn how to take positive action.