How to support someone experiencing domestic abuse
Supporting someone experiencing domestic abuse or coercive control can be challenging, especially if they are a parent or carer. Children are now recognised victims of domestic abuse and, according to Women’s Aid, around 90% of children whose mothers are abused witness the abuse. Experiencing domestic abuse is child abuse, so it’s important to know what domestic abuse is and how to recognise it.
Be an ally!
An ally is someone who provides emotional and practical support.
If someone you know is in an abusive or toxic relationship, your role as an ally is to offer:
- a listening ear,
- emotional support,
- information about resources.
The decision to leave an abusive relationship can only be made by the person in that relationship. You cannot force someone to leave an abusive partner. But your consistent, non-judgmental support can make a big difference in their journey to safety and healing.
How to be an ally?
Here are some ways you can support your friend or relative in an abusive relationship:
Believe and support:
Believe their experiences without being judgemental. Validate their feelings and let them know the abuse is not their fault. Telling someone that you believe them, and they are not to blame, can be powerful way for them to open up to you.
Be respectful:
Understand that they are the expert in their own situation. Do not pressure them to do something they’re not ready for, such as leaving the relationship. Focus on they what they want in the future and help them feel hope for a better life. Change is difficult, and they may go back and forth about leaving the relationship. Remain supportive and non-judgmental.
Provide emotional support:
Listen without interrupting, try to be as empathetic as you can, and avoid minimizing or dismissing their experiences.
Support them to seek help:
If the person is willing to talk to the NSPCC Helpline or a local domestic abuse service, always encourage them to do this. You can offer to make the call with them to make it easier or share the numbers with them if it is safe to do so.
Relate - You can talk to Relate about your relationship, including issues around domestic abuse.
- 0300 003 0396
National Domestic Violence Helpline - A 24 hour free helpline run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge.
- 0808 2000 247
Men's Advice Line - Advice and support for men experiencing domestic violence and abuse.
- 0808 801 0327
National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline - Emotional and practical support for LGBT+ people experiencing domestic abuse.
- 0800 999 5428
You may also want to recommend these resources for their child:
Domestic Abuse, Recovering Together (DART™)
A therapeutic service for mothers and children who have experienced domestic abuse.
Find out more about all our services for children, including how to get in touch with ones in your area.
Childline - We understand how difficult it is for children to talk about domestic abuse. Whether it's happening now or happened in the past, Childline can be contacted 24/7.
- Calls to 0800 1111 are free and confidential.
- Children can also contact Childline online.
- Chidline website, information and advice for children and young people about domestic abuse, including why it happens and what they can do.
Keep being there:
Very often someone experiencing domestic abuse will feel isolated, especially if their abusive partner is cutting them off from friends and family. Even if they say no to your invitations, remind them that they can always change their mind and are always welcome. Encourage them to join in with activities outside of the relationship if they feel safe to do so or offer to do self-care activities with them.
Take care of yourself:
Supporting someone experiencing domestic abuse can be emotionally draining. Remember to practice self-care and seek support for yourself if needed.
Prioritise safety:
Research shows that women are at the highest risk of domestic homicide when they begin to take steps to leave or shortly after they have left an abusive relationship.
If they feel ready to leave the relationship, there’s lots to plan to make sure that they stay safe. This can involve:
- Who is safe for the victim to talk to?
- Where are safe places to go?
- Keeping money, documents, or other emergency items safe and easily accessible.
- Discussing patterns and triggers of abuse.
- Making a plan for when they will call the police or you will call the police on their behalf,
- discussing how to talk to their children about the plan, if there are children in the home.
- Safety planning and staying safe PDF from womensaidnel.org
- Hollie Guard – Personal Safety App
- Making a safety plan | Childline
Remember: leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous. You should never approach or engage with the person causing the abuse.
Sometimes as an ally, you also have to make difficult decisions to keep your friend and their children safe. The NSPCC Helpline will be happy to talk to you about your options. In an emergency, contact 999.
How to talk to the victim about the abuse?
Approaching the topic of abuse can be delicate. Here are some steps to help you navigate the conversation safely and effectively:
Prepare
- Think of safety first and don't put yourself or your friend at risk.
- Think about safe ways to meet or contact them when they're alone.
- Research the domestic abuse support services available in your local area.
- Have the numbers for domestic abuse national helplines ready.
- Let your friend guide you on what they think is safe.
Ask
Start conversations gently, sharing your concern:
- "You haven't been in touch much lately. Is everything okay?"
- "I've noticed you seem a bit down. Has anyone upset you?"
- "I'm worried about how you're doing. Should I be?"
Listen
A common worry is feeling like you don't know enough about domestic abuse to be helpful. Simply listening can help your friend break the silence.
- "Go on..."
- "How do you feel about that?"
- "Thank you for telling me."
Reassure
If the person tells you they’re experiencing abuse, the important thing is to let them know that you believe them and that the abuse is not their fault:
- "I believe you."
- "It's not your fault."
- "Thank you for telling me."
"Why won't they just leave?"
We always want the best for our friends and family. Seeing someone you love in an abusive relationship can be incredibly hard, and it's natural to feel frustrated and wonder, "Why don't they just leave?
People who experience domestic abuse will have many barriers that stop them leaving, mostly caused by fear.
Staying in the relationship can give them a sense of control over the situation. They may monitor their partner's behavior for signs of escalation and manage the risk to themselves and their children. Leaving can feel more dangerous and unpredictable.
Abusive partners often threaten to kill their victims, their children, family, or pets if they leave. These threats are taken seriously, regardless of whether the abuser would follow through.
Your friend might feel worthless after months of years of coercive and controlling behaviour. They may also feel that they would never be able to cope on their own.
Sometimes, the abuser will threaten to report their partner to children’s services and have the children taken away.
Never underestimate the love the victim has for their abuser and their hope for change. They may have invested significant time in the relationship and been love-bombed with promises of change, making it difficult to stay away.
Leaving the relationship may mean losing their home, belongings, job, money, or car. This is even more challenging for survivors with insecure immigration status or those who are not residents or citizens of the UK.
If I see the abusive partner, what should I do?
Abusers often downplay or deny their behavior and may use coercive control over friends and family who challenge them.
Never confront the abusive partner about their behavior, as this could endanger your friend or relative.
If you have to talk to the abuser, keep the conversation neutral and do not disclose any private conversations you've had with the survivor.
Avoid putting yourself in a position where the abuser could harm or manipulate you.
If you witness abuse, even physical abuse, do not intervene directly. Instead, contact the police by calling 999.